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Live by the Gun

April 30, 2010

Live by the Gun.  Hey Bloggees, strange title, I know.  But it’s not what you think.  Okay, here goes.  I was writing my three pages of longhand this morning–I know, sounds geeky, but it works great.  Clears out a lot of the residue from the day before and who knows how long ago, and in the process lots of stuff comes to mind.

Well, this morning, what came to mind was…Live by the Gun.  And how I still do that.  Even all these years later when no-one is telling me I better do this, or I ought to do that, or I should be doing such and such, or, well, you fill in the blank.  You know what I mean.

And that brought me to thinking about choice.  I have a choice, don’t I?  Well then, why is it so hard to choose?  Aren’t I free?  Don’t I get to be me to the best of my ability?

And then I thought about how much I like to blame people for hurting me, even when I’m well aware that they, too, live by the gun, and that they, too, just like me, probably do all sorts of things “under the gun” the same way I do.

And then my book fell open to several loose pages inserted in between the others, pages I’ve printed out because I found something which meant something to me, pages with prayers I’ve wanted to remember, pages holding important notes I’ve written to myself, which I’ve made sure to keep so I wouldn’t forget them, and all of which I have, of course, forgotten. 

Anyway, what fell out first was a page on which the top two lines were:

….on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, Amen.

You know, the last two lines of that old standby, the Lord’s Prayer.

I looked at it, read it, then read it again.  Then I read it one more time and really tried to see what it was saying. 

And then I thought, that’s right, I’ve got to forgive in order to be forgiven.  Damn, there’s always a catch.

So.  Came in here to write the blog, looked up at my wall.  Stared at my favorite “thought” on the wall for a while.  Here’s a picture of it.  You can see for yourself.  I got this from a book by Iyanla Vanzant years ago and I liked it so much I framed it.

And I especially looked at the last two lines for a while, and I answered my own questions.  Yeah, I am free, yeah I do have a choice and yeah, I do get to live life to the best of my ability.

But the one must in my life is that I train my mind to believe it.

Because, Lord knows, I don’t want to die by the gun.

Love & Perseverance

One Comment leave one →
  1. May 1, 2010 5:38 pm


    Dear xxxx,

    You might like this. I do. I don’t always like anything at all. You are not alone in your depression. I say, “Don’t be scared.” I say, “It’s okay to enjoy small things in life.” I say, “It’s okay to have a friend.” In the terrible deep, dark, silence, I say to myself, “Don’t be scared.”

    With my best regards,
    Richard Bradley Bonds

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